So I’ve been late for my day gig. Chronically as of late. 1-Part Poor time management(why are you stopping to blog before work Elon?), 1-Part Other things to do (Went to Vaughn College on Thursday) and 1-Part having a hard time caring about being a delivery boy(seriously. Anything that when you’ve done well if someone gives you 2 or 3 dollars tip doesn’t inspire fuzzy feelings when you’re trying to get ready in the morning)

But fact is although I know the owners, they will fire me, and then offer me some jerk chicken.(I work at a West Indian restaurant) So I’ve been trying to get to work on time. No more 1 hour late, 30 minutes late. 15 minutes late? Well, I still do that. I need that one little victory.

So Friday, when I was on track to be 15 minutes late (i.e. On time) I hail down a cab. Please note:I live in Brooklyn, so it’s not of your Yellow Cab variety. It’s what we affectionately refer to as a Gypsy Cab, and when I think about it, it’s illegal for them to pick people off the street. But whatever, I’m from Brooklyn. I don’t worry about that shit.(Actually I do. I’m scared literally every flipping time because I’m just sure a cop is going to roll up on the cab and say ‘I saw the whole transaction. You’re both going to prison.’ But on the plus side, maybe I’ll go to my Dad’s prison and we can catch up on old times, i.e my entire fucking life. Bitter much? Indeed.)

So I hail one down, hop in tell him where I’sheaded to(yes I said I’s) , and he starts the mission.

We soon drive up next to a car and he notices something about the guy in the car. My cab driver literally opens the door or his car(because his windows don’t seem to be working) and yells, “Thats some good shit right!” I look over to the neighboring car and I see the face of the guy shake his head yes, and then pull a joint back to his face. The guy was smoking weed, and then upon us driving a little further up I was able to see the guy in plain view.

It was a Hasidic Jew smoking weed.

And my cab driver wasn’t worried that someone on the road with us was high, he was more amused by the novelty of it all. I really should have started to get worried right about now, but I’m from Brooklyn, it takes a little more to make me nervous.(again not really, but I like to say it.)

About 2 blocks further we reach an blockage in traffic because theres a mac truck in the right lane of this street so we have to try merge with the left lane. My cab driver attempts to do this but he’s cut off by this other guy who wants to move forward. My cab driver starts yelling and screeching expletives and I believe the guy who cut him off was doing the same, although I cannot say for sure because I couldn’t hear him. All I could see was flailing arms and very animated mouthing of words. My cab driver tries to now pressure the guy to move faster and drives really close to him.

Then he hits the mans car.

Now all I can think to myself is “Great, douchebag can’t drive me to work if he just hit a car.” So I’m annoyed. My Cabbie jumps out of the car, The flailing arm and animated mouthing off guy jumps out of his car. They yell in unison “What the Fuck!” and its all crazy. Then I realize something.

Flailing arms guy? Yeah, he has a gun.

I’m like “Oh this is great. This is how I’m going to die isn’t it. God has finally figured out a sure fire way. Traffic altercation. And I don’t even drive so this was well planned God, TOUCHE!” But my cab driver doesn’t seem startled by this, he kinda runs up on the Flailing arms dude with no fear. Flailing arms guy then Pulls out his wallet and, I shit you not, yells…

“Get Back, FEDERAL AGENT, GET BACK!”

Now, I’ve only seen this happen one other place, and thats on the Hit television series “24”. No one in real life actually yells out FEDERAL AGENT GET BACK! But by God, it was happening.

Now my cabbie is freaking out. I guess he’s used to guns, but guns being pulled by Federal Agents, not so much. He then starts to strip. Yes, I said strip. With one hand he’s taking his clothes off and the other he just has in the air and he’s just yelling “I ain’t got nothing on me, I ain’t got nothing on me!”

Just in case you’re wondering, yes, I did want to get the fuck out of the car. I was trying, but my doors were all power locked or something and I was just stuck.

So the Federal Agent is just yelling “You can’t be running up on me like that, how the fuck you gonna run up on me like that!” My cabbie? Still stripping. Then the Fed starts giving him orders like “Get on the sidewalk, matter a fact, go by your car…NO, NO go by my car!”

And I’m inside the car trying to contact my cabbie by saying “Excuse me, sir? Sir? Um…sir?I really want to get out of the car. Sir?”

And looking back I guess I understood that my cabbie wasn’t really concerned with me as much as he was concerned with prison, his car, and ghetto federal agent guy waving a gun.

Finally he comes back to the car for a second to get paperwork or something and I say ‘HEY, can I PLEEEEASE get out of the car?” He unlocks my door and the Fed yells at me that I have to stay. And I respond in the calmest voice I could possibly muster.

“Sir, um…the only reason I was in a cab? Was because I was late for work. This is only making it worst. Please can I go now.”

Federal Agent/Flailing arms guy didn’t seem to pleased with the concept of me leaving but finally was like “Fine, go.” and I ran away not unlike a bitch.

But here’s the thing. I’m no a half hour late for work. Something definitely noticeable. What do I tell my boss?

“Yeah, um, a Federal Agent pulled a gun on my cab driver and I was locked in the backseat.”

When I said it, “I” didn’t believe it. So when I arrived for work and they asked why was I late i replied with the only thing I thought was reasonable. “Sorry, missed my bus.” Which was true. I call my girlfriend and tell her about this and I jokingly said “I guess God wanted me to have some more material.” She responds, “I wish God wanted me to have more material”

No, no you don’t. If I had a choice between peaceful ride to work or crazy Feds pulling guns on my super ghetto cabbie, I’d just peaceful. You never WANT this shit.

So the lesson that we should get from this is that if you ever see a hasidic jew smoking weed? Consider it a bad omen.

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