Question: How does one Crash and Burn at ones own show?

Answer: Easily, if one’s name is ELON JAMES WHITE.

So I wrote. I Performed. I SUCKED. I thought I was going to be able to go on stage and just do my thing with all this new material I have, and basically it was the worst stage performance ever. Now, people said I handled it well. The fact that I was being heckled in a room full of people I knew, but I…I’m actually horrified.

I wanted to try new things. You what I mean? I wrote a bunch of new shit. I was ready. I had my index cards, and I was ready to go. I think it was how I put myself up. I was sitting and i never sit. I was reading notes and I never read notes. It was just the whole thing.

And lets not forget that I knew everyone in the Fucking room.

I…I don’t know what the feeling is I have right now. Is it hurt? No, because its not like my feelings are hurt. Im just upset that I don’t think I have any respect from my neighborhood or my fellow comedians as a comic. Everyone gives me kudos for putting together a show. Yay for me. But I don’t give a rats ass about a show.

If tommorow they said, Elon, You can perform everyday of the week and be seen by different people and hone your craft, but you have to give up your show, I’d drop it in a heartbeat. I love the show, but not more than I love comedy itself. I love being apart of the show where people are impressed I’m a funny guy. When people just think I’m a good organizer it hurts. I’m doubting my abilities as a performer and a writer, and now I’m sure everyone else is. I watched the tape of me at the improv in October, and I thought it was fairly mediocre. I don’t know why everyone thought it was so great. I don’t know why I thought it was so great. It was an okay set. I didn’t even tell my ace joke correctly. I don’t know what to do. I am so ready to walk away from all this comedy shit, but I know i can’t walk away. I have to keep at it. Feel like crap and get back on the horse and move forward. It’s just a hurtfull process when your entire neighborhood and friends get to see it unfold before there eyes.

But I know…IN THE END, I will be successfull and respected by all. Ijust have to endure people throwing shit at me and lighting me. Yes, the audience actually lighted me during my set.

Im going to go die now. bleh…

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