Okay. Im gonna have to start writing in this thing more often. It seems almost neccessary. On all the websites Im looking at its like the most prescribed thing to do.

What was it prescribed for? Rage.

I have come to the conclusion that I suffer from rage. It was cool when it was just something that happened and then Id get all mad and scream and it would be funny. But now its a bit different. I cant just yell and get it out. I have to swallow it. Im in a corporate enviorment. Im being watched, and people are doing insainely stupid things. I mean RIDICULOUSLY stupid things.

And my rage may be killing me.

I was suffering with ridiculous headaches, and getting something that seems to be equivelent to anxiety attacks at the thought of even coming to work. I litereally was DEPRESSED as HELL on sunday. I just didnt want to go to work. I was dreading it with every thread of my being. But I dont really have a choice. I have responsibilities. I have to do what i have to do. But I have rage. RAGE beyond rage. So upon realizing that i was gonna have to start talking bats to the backs of my fellow coworkers if i continued to be angry, Ive gone on a search for my peace. Finding my center if you will. So It seems with a combination of Journaling, deep breathing and learning to relax, i should not be indited for murder eventually. Today is a pretty stupid day. My boss continues to have me be responsible for areas i just DONT feel comfortable with, and when he could have put me back where i was happy with, he specifically chose not to. FOR NO GOOD REASON. I dont get it. And my instinct is to tell him thats stupid. HES stupid. But I cant do that. I have to swallow, and say ‘Okay.’

But thats not me. I dont just go along with it all. I get angry. And its taking its toll on me. Im always tired and noticebly unhappy. My coworkers act like their scared of me. Its more of a joke than anything else, but it gets me mad that their joking like that. Its like EVERYTHING has me pissed. My mother is insaine. Its soooo official. And she just keeps bitchen. And ofcourse she works where i work, so theres no escape. For a while i thought i Was gonna be fired from my job, and i wasnt sure what i was gonna do. Then i was told id get unemployment for 6 months. Then i started to think about it and I was like, that sounds good to me.

Soon after I said that i realized i would not be fired. Not that they said anything, but I came to the conclusion that life would be to peacefull if i was fired. The ability to take 3 months off and just realax, and then return to the work force rested and ready to go? HA! thats bloody likely. Im going to be tortured and tortured some more until i quit, and cant get unemployment. But i wont do it. Ill be sweeping floors before that’ll happen.

Okay. Thats enough. I should do some work. Hopefully ive gotten enough out that i wont have to kill a man. hehe.

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