Well. I feel as if I’m in a very scary place in my life.

Im 23. I opted not to go to school. Which seemed like a bad idea, but i found a savior. A way that I wouldn’t be stuck doing ridiculous things for the rest of my life. Much like the quote the guy from boiler room used from Biggie ‘You gotta have a Jump Shot, or sling Crack rocks’. Now I can’t play basket ball all that well. And Crack? Well Crack probably wouldnt work for me.

So my Crack Rock is Computer shit.

I mean, what else can I do? Im to pissed and angry for customer service. Advertising and stuff all want you to have that degree. The odds of my breaking into the Graphic Design bussiness is the same for me marrying Kristen Kreuk.

Okay, hopefully not that slim. Then I would just be depressed.

My point is that Im doing what I CAN do. It wasnt some greater plan that lead me to this point. It was pure unadulterated dumb luck, and im not even sure how much Luck it is.

So what is my deal?

I dunno. I have to make my game plan. I have loose visions of it, but Im not sure how to make it work. I need to play certain cards. I know people. I know people, who know people. So I have to network, but there is a slight problem.

I don’t like people. In general.

For me to properly network I would have to change who I am at the core of my being. THE CORE damnit. Id have to be nice and charming all the time. I can do that. But it so draining. You feel like people have been sucking at your soul all day when you try this. But I have no choice. I have to do something. And something soon. I cant be like my ass hole uncle. 44 years old, and still hasnt found his spot in the world. Yeah, he has a job. But hes not happy. He doesnt even make enough money to justify not being happy. I cant be him. When Im 28 I should be working on the house, and the wife and kids already.

Not at 44.

Hence why I have to change. I have to play the game. I have to get the bussiness cards out there. I have to network. I have to join organizations and stuff. But I dont LIKE people! And the organizations that i know i can join and probably get in good with from the jump, I hate. They are against everything I stand for politcally. But I would be welcomed open armed.

Im going to end up loosing me. Who I am. Is it worth it? Is it worth having to having to lie and manipulate to make sure Im not like my uncle? The sad thing is. IT IS. I cant do nothing. BE nothing. I have to do something that can be looked at with awe and honor.

Kay, Nuff babbling.

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